Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
