Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
We had sex on a dog bed..
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
