so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize