Just fell off a train. Bad.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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