Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
