I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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