Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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