My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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