Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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