his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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