i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
