when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
