Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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