I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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