I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
