Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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