i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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