thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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