sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i think i just lost a toe
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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