3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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