I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize