What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
not ubering you a puppy
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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