omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
