There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
