im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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