I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
