I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
