**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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