OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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