I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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