you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
