I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
