I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
