Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
