your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize