Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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