Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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