i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
