either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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