Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
