I just pynch a tree in the face
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
