so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
