I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
