I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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