So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
