Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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