Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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