I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
