it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize