I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
