What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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