just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
