Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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