Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
