Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
