We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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