I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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