Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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