I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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