now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
