Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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