I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
