I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
