Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize